Hey guys, you know how to play. Post your mad libbed up doc as a comment to make my day. Yes, I am the Terminator.

 

 

1. noun           

2. noun, occupation

3. place

4. lame excuse

5. activity ending in -ing

6. activity ending in -ing

7. activity ending in -ing

8. place

9. mythical beast

10. wild card

11. an obscenity

12. adverb

13. exclamation

14. your name

 

 

 

 

 

And now, see your very own mad libbed cover letter that will suit all of your job-hunting needs: 

 

Dear Sir or ___1____:

 

Until recently I was employed as a ____2____ at ____3____. Due to _______4________, I am now forced to look for new opportunities in ____3____.

 

I have experience ____5_____, _____6_____, ____7______, and look forward to putting these to use at _____8______.

 

If you need to contact my references, please call or email ____9____. S/He would be more than happy to tell you about my _____10_____ at ____3____.

 

My salary requirements are _____11______. Thank you _____12____ for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you.

 

_____13_____,

 

____14______

 

 

 

Shame-less-self-pro-mo-tion. I wrote a story. It's published here: http://www.gothicfunk.org/parapenta/01/index.html

 

it explains a lot, by which I mean Nothing. But it's there if you like fiction. 

 

If you don't, you're now on my megaShit List. Watch out for snipers.

 

xoxo.

 

Ok, no spoilers in case you, unlike me, didn't go to see it last night at 12:01 am. But it's long. 

 

Like three hours long. 

 

Oh, god I hope I didn't ruin it for you. 

http://img26.imageshack.us/img26/7599/fuckyoue.jpg

 

 

 

1. Armoured Bears are from Svalbard.

2. They're bears. And they're armoured.

3. They're a much more eco-friendly alternative to nuclear arms. 

4. They talk with growly bear voices. 

5. Because they strike awe into the hearts of men. See literal definition of "AWESOME."

6. Because I said so.

7. They pack a punch, while also being soft and endangered.

8. re: endangered status - scarcity makes them even more awesome.

 

You're wrong.  

So, you might know what/where Svalbard is. Good for you, smartass. You’re part of 0.002% of the American population. Yeah, I so did a survey where I asked 2,574 people if they knew where Svalbard was, and like one of them said maybe. Most of them said something along the lines of “Oh, is that somewhere in Middle Earth? Is that where Bjork is from?”

 

Answer: no. It is the single coolest place in the world. (“The world?” you might ask. “But that’s where I keep all my stuff.” I know. ) And it’s almost the North Pole, which makes it even cooler than the coolest place in the world because elves are effing creepy.

 

If I had to do elementary school all over again, I would so do my report on Svalbard instead of Paraguay. I can pinpoint that day in fourth grade as the single moment when everything went wrong.

 

But enough about me. Svalbard is kind of like Norway, but better. It’s colder, northerner, fewer people live there, and – get this:

 

Drumroll…..

 

Wait for it….

 

Svalbard has a doomsday seed vault tucked away in the deep folds of a (magical?) cave. 

 

Seeds!

 

That means that in the event of a nuclear holocaust, while the rest of the world is swathed in a radioactive miasma, you and your surviving eight arms, brain horns, and oozing pustules can trek to the top of the globe and retrieve SEEDS to regrow the world.

 

It’s important: the world is where you keep all of your stuff.

 

Flight from New York to Longyearbyen, Svalbard: Good luck, there are none scheduled in 2009

Cost of bribing some guy named Bjorn with a boat to shuttle you around: 654 krone

Replanting the world with seeds that can’t survive in a post-apocalyptic climate: priceless